hope enough to drown my fears
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: "He didn't know what to expect; that was what unnerved him the most. That was always what unnerved him the most when it came to Alec – the silence he fell into when he was under pressure, and Angel knew they'd never met a bigger obstacle before."


**Notes: The title is taken from _Leaves' Eyes_ _'_ s _The Holy Bond_ (ha) and written by a prompt. It got more... conceptual and less action-driven than I had planned, but I hope it's enjoyable regardless. Feedback is always welcome! ^^**

Sometimes when he was alone and unglamoured in the mundane world, Jace was amazed at just how _unsupervised_ everyone was. Of course, there were cameras everywhere. He had always known that – the Institute had access to most of them – but the purpose here was to make people feel _safe_ rather than watched.

And it wasn't just that – once you memorised where they were, they became unbelievably easy to avoid. Back in the Institute, nowhere was safe – not even in the private bedrooms – and while Jace was used to it now, he had found it more than a little excessive when he had first arrived to live there.

But now, years later, it all made sense – when it came to Shadowhunters, they could afford to forget about all the surveillance unless were doing something viscerally wrong. Ironically, that didn't stop most of them from hiding away parts of their lives; it just drove them to look for more elaborate ways to get away with it. The fact that Jace was sneaking deeper and deeper into the seedier parts of the city, too far away to be noticed by anyone, was a great example of that.

He wasn't sure how Alec had even found the place where they were supposed to meet. It didn't seem connected to the Downworld at all, which was to be expected – Alec would have deemed it too dangerous and Jace was inclined to agree; they could never be sure who would recognise them, and _that_ train of thought brought him back to the reason why they had been forced – over and over again – to meet in some of the worst places in mundane New York only to avoid being spotted.

It had been too close this time. And too unexpected, in a way – they had always been so careful; so sure that nothing could go wrong. The more Jace thought about it, the more he realised that this could have been part of the problem. It hadn't been their intention, but they had started getting careless and soon enough, all the risks they'd taken had caught up with them.

It wasn't that anyone had said anything. The Clave wouldn't interfere unless they had proof, but the unexpected assessment of the Institute was enough of a red flag for Alec to take action – he had learnt about it first, had managed to bring the news to Jace late in the evening and Jace had woken up to a message from him with nothing but the coordinates of the place he was looking for now.

He didn't know what to expect; that was what unnerved him the most. That was _always_ what unnerved him the most when it came to Alec – the silence he fell into when he was under pressure, and Angel knew they'd never met a bigger obstacle before.

It had been going on for almost half a year now; this tentative, unspoken _thing_ between him and Alec. It felt too daring to call it a relationship when they'd had so little time to talk about it. All he remembered was their first kiss – after a hunt that had been preceded by a long separation due to Alec's necessity to travel to some foreign Institute – and it was enough to make him cling to all the possibilities that that kiss had opened. Jace had been the one to initiate it – not that it had taken Alec long to cave, once he had been convinced that Jace was sincere – and he hadn't regretted it since. Not until the recent news from Idris, that was.

The thought of Alec in danger – of Alec being taken away from him – was a sobering one. Everyone had heard the cautionary tales about Shadowhunters who fell in love, even if the details as to why it was so dangerous were hazy and unclear. But, worse than that, everyone knew what the punishment was and reality had come crashing down on Jace with surprising force. They could lose _everything_. Neither of them knew how to be anything but a Shadowhunter and despite their abilities, Jace tried to be honest with himself; if they were to be deruned, it was highly unlikely that they would survive the year. Deruned Shadowhunters rarely did; there was no fighting off the demons without weapons – not for long, anyway, as they were bound to catch the scent of angelic blood sooner rather than later – and they wouldn't even be allowed to seek refuge behind the wards of the Institute.

It was too much of a risk. In theory, Jace knew that. It was much more difficult to imagine it in practice – separating himself from Alec and burying everything that had happened between them in the last six months. There was no unfeeling this, and even trying was fruitless at this point.

By the time he reached the place he'd been directed to, Jace had almost convinced himself that Alec would think so too.

The glamour fell in a thick layer over the dead-end street he found himself into and Jace blinked a few times to chase it away. It had been created with the clear purpose of keeping everyone away – even Shadowhunters, as it seemed – and he made a few more wary steps into the alley when the world fell back into place.

All traces of sunlight had disappeared; the long row of tables and makeshift shops stretched for far longer than it seemed possible when taking the mundane buildings outside into consideration. All of it was covered under a shroud most likely sustained by magic. As Jace's eyes got accustomed to the darkness, he tried to take in everything in front of him and found it impossible. There was just so _much_ of everything, and it reminded him suspiciously of-

"It's a black market."

The long years of training and the absent awareness of where Alec was at all times were the only things stopping Jace from taking his blade out as he spun on his heel to meet his parabatai's eyes. "I can see that." _Why are we here?_ He answered his own unsaid question before Alec had had a chance to: no one would come looking for them here.

"The Clave's known about it for years, but no one's done anything about it. Easier to track the worst parts of it that way." Alec approached him carefully and Jace did his best to relax. He had come all the way here; there was no way he was backing down now if Alec wanted to make small talk before he got to the point. There was a not quite healthy dose of paranoia to anything his parabatai did and Jace had got used to it over the years and even more so recently when so much more had been at stake. "I've been thinking of getting a mission approved to research this place for a while. It won't hurt to take a look beforehand."

Jace didn't say anything, catching up with Alec's attempt to shake off anyone could be following them. They took several sharp turns before finding themselves into a deserted corner. There was no one near enough to hear them, Jace decided after a quick assessment and he turned to Alec, hesitantly reaching out for him. It was getting more and more difficult to stay apart as their bond deepened even more and he knew that he wasn't the only one who could see that – Alec took the offered hand in his own palms, the gesture unbearably tender given the tension that hung in the air.

"We can't do this anymore, Jace."

There had been no preamble, no warning; just the resignation in Alec's voice as he tried to focus on anything but him.

Jace disentangled himself from his parabatai as if burned. It was the one thing he hadn't expected when thinking about this moment. What had gone through his mind had been mostly things he already knew; how they had to be more careful, to maybe stay low for a while and try not to attract attention to themselves until the Clave representatives left. He had expected something _reasonable_ , and despite his disbelief, he found his voice for long enough to say so.

"Reasonable?" Alec repeated and the bitterness in that word alone was strong enough for Jace to feel its echo through their bond. "Nothing about this is reasonable, Jace. We should have never let it get this far. Look where it took us."

"We can't be sure that we're the reason they're coming." Jace could hear the desperation creeping into his voice and was powerless to stop it. "We've been so careful; they wouldn't be able to tell."

"How can we be sure?" Even the objection was barely audible – a sure sign that Alec had thought this through (had probably been thinking it through for hours, knowing him) and hadn't found another way. It was a ridiculous idea to even think about; as far as Alec was concerned, nothing was impossible if you tried hard enough and the realisation that he had decided to give in _now_ stung more than anything else. "Maybe there's a way. There must be a reason we're forbidden that kind of relationship; why it's been forbidden for every pair of parabatai for centuries. It never works for us and it never will."

There had been those stories too, of course; of bonded pairs that had defied the Clave. One way or another, it always ended in death. And while vowing to die for – _with_ – one another was part of the oath, it was never meant to be this way. They always went down in history as nothing but traitors and the mere idea was soul-chilling enough to keep most parabatai firmly in line.

It hadn't been enough for them. They were different; Jace had been clinging to that thought for far too long to start doubting it for the sake of suspicions they had almost no foundation for.

"That's just it," he said at last, one hand cupping Alec's cheek until his parabatai turned to look at him. "We're not the first and we won't be the last. They'll have to explain _why_ it's forbidden sooner or later."

"And you think we should be the ones to ask?" Alec leant in; closer than he would have allowed himself on such a public place otherwise. "We'd be sent to the opposite ends of the world if they _suspect_ there's something going on, Jace. We're never going to see anyone we love again. And when they take away our runes-"

"No one's taking away our runes." The moment Alec's tirade had stopped being hypothetical, Jace had realised just how scared he was of the prospect. It didn't make sense even in his mind – Alec, _scared_ – but not much made sense the last few days anyway. "We can talk when they leave. How about that?"

"Didn't you hear me?" Alec's voice was incredulous. "We can't hide forever."

"Is this really what you want? To stop?" Jace stepped away so that he could take Alec's expression in fully and see the conflict in his eyes. "If it is, you just have to tell me." Alec made to look away, but Jace stubbornly held his gaze. "Do it. I dare you. But don't _lie_ to me."

If Alec was lying to anyone, it was to himself; they were both aware of that. The guilt didn't change much – they had sworn a long time ago to follow the other to the end of the Earth if needed and neither of them was going to back down now, no matter how many things had changed.

"We can wait," Jace coaxed, not letting go of Alec just yet. "And talk about it later. We don't have to decide yet."

"No," Alec agreed. For once, he didn't pull away, letting himself relax under the touch. "Not yet."

 **o.O.o**

For the first time in a two weeks, Jace found that he could breathe freely again.

It was a funny thing; how he had got used enough to the tension to only notice it once it was gone, but he cherished it nevertheless. As the inspection had finally come to a close, the anxiety surrounding it had lessened, but Jace had only managed to truly process it after the last of the representatives had left through the portal to Idris.

It was a pure coincidence, he and Alec had decided, that the inspection had been announced only a day or two after they had forgotten to wipe the footage from the cameras after one too many unsanctioned missions. It _had_ to be. After all, no one had as much as given them a second glance beyond the necessary pleasantries, but it was still there; the inkling that they had been watched even if they hadn't noticed. Jace could sense the thought crossing Alec's mind too and neither of them had mentioned it, which had only brought on more apprehension. Still, it had proven useful in the long run – they had both been on their best behaviour for days now – and Jace was all too eager to be away from it all again; to be able to shake off the eyes that followed him at every given moment.

It was why they had chosen this place – in the depths of Central Park, just on the border with the Seelie realm. The fragile peace in the Shadow world meant that there were no other Shadowhunters here and that the Faeries wouldn't approach them unless strictly necessary and Jace could almost _feel_ all the weight of the present falling off of his shoulders as he saw Alec by the river.

In the efforts to be as inconspicuous as possible, they had taken to almost avoiding each other and now the last sincere conversation they'd had seemed like it had happened ages ago. Jace still hadn't forgotten Alec's outburst, though – that, or the uncertainty he had felt through their bond – and now he held his breath as he approached, stuck between happiness and worry and the endless possibilities suspended between them.

Alec didn't move, but Jace knew him well enough to read him regardless. Slowly, almost unnoticeably, his parabatai's lips curled into a smile. It was cautious and unsure and _inviting_ and, as Jace took the first step towards him, he felt the last trace of doubt leaving him for good.

As long as he had this, everything else would fall into place.


End file.
